I have grown so much, through the challenges

Dealing with the special needs that many autistic children face on a daily basis, has without a doubt been the biggest challenge of my life.

I suppose because I was unable to have children, yet found myself blessed at the age 43 with my first and only child, I was just as insecure and unsure about my mothering abilities as all new mothers are....possibly even more-so.

To realize that my first(and only) child would be diagnosed with autism, the self-doubt and fear really started to kick in.

My son will turn 8 years old in March.

I learned that he was autistic afew days before his 2nd before.

We have lived with autism for 6 years now... possibly almost 8 years if you discount the vaccination- causes- autism theory...

To be honest, there have been many ups and downs...days, weeks, even months of utter confusion, chaos and turmoil.

There have been challenges and struggles and up-hill battles...fears and worries and heartaches...and unbelievable mountains to climb..

All that and more...so much more.

But the good far outweighs the bad.

Every victory, however seemingly irrelevant to outsiders is like winning a major battle.

Every smile, every word my son speaks, every new food he tries, whatever new challenge he faces and we face together with him, brings the most unbelievable, indescribable joy that floods my heart with such hope and love and gratitude!

And during those times, those many times when I felt like nobody understood, when I was sure that nobody could really comfort or encourage or help the situation, it was then when I learned to turn to God.

And after years of turning to God as a "last resort" (when all else fails, pray), I've learned to go to God as my first consult...my first resort...my first and final word for any direction I take in my life.

Did God always change my circumstances? Not very often, to be honest.

Did God always change my child's behavior? Not at all, sometimes.

He did change me.

I've learned that God is not a "magician". Oh He CAN and WILL work miracles, when it is His will, not mine.

Sometimes the miracles are a little less obvious. Sometimes, if we're not careful, we fail to even see what He is doing in, through, and around us.

But sometimes? If we ask Him, He gives us a glimpse...that tiny glimpse of hope that coupled with faith and prayer turns the darkness into Light...and we are blessed above and beyond...to realize that He is working miracles within our own hearts.

esther